🐉 Hi! Welcome to Part 4!
If you're just joining me and haven't caught Part 1 , Part 2, and Part 3 yet, I recommend you pause and give those a read first so you aren't that person who fell asleep in class and then later asks questions about things they missed while in dreamland. Don't be that person!
But also, here are the cliff notes version of Parts 1 - 3 (you can skip this part if you're all caught up)--
2023 was Year 8 in my business -- and while it was an AMAZING year, I'm celebrating in a bit of an unconventional way.
No balloons, no smash cake, no instagram posts. No funny and inspirational Reels.
Instead, I'm sharing some vulnerable truths about things that happened last year that I have not yet shared outside of my own microscopic inner circle.
Even though I tend to be pretty transparent in my writing -- I didn't share anything because the nature of the events and situations had me feeling ashamed and silenced.
I hid in plain sight with a smile on my face.
Why? Because it involved a dear friendship of mine that had made a huge impact on many parts of my life, and not always in the healthiest way.
It involved issues like covert narcissism, manipulation, abuse, and codependency. Yep, big and heavy terms.
For the longest time, I blamed myself for all of it. I took full responsibility for trying to fix what was broken.
But early in 2023 I woke up and smelled the coffee.
I noticed that an inherent power differential in the friendship was feeding my friend's unhealthy treatment of me, and the pedestal I had her on was fooling me into thinking that I was weak, powerless, and worthless.
I made a gut wrenching, heart breaking decision to remove that pedestal. And even though she was the one on the pedestal, I'm the one who had the long fall.
In Part 3, I revealed what the long bumpy fall looked like, how I slayed the dragons that had gotten a hold of my soul, and what the aftermath looked like.
Here in Part 4, I bring you back into the current moment. How I'm doing now, the lessons I've learned, and how I've turned this entire story into fuel for a BEAUTIFUL GIFT I have for the world.
Ready? Buckle up.
PS If you're a Swiftie -- last chance to catch the embedded lyrics (easter eggs!) throughout this entire blog series. The Spotify playlist is linked above and the actual list is at the end of this post.
From heartbreak through the fire to heart soaring joy
If you’ve read all or some of the parts of this story, thank you for being here.
Some people have asked me if I’m ok. Truly, I have felt this peaceful in … well, I can’t remember how long.
I've also received some questioning.
I know that in a world full of a lot of chaos and pain, a world that tells us that we can never be happy/peaceful enough -- that someone saying they truly feel peaceful -- especially after writing about so much pain -- can sometimes be hard to believe.
But how can you ever begin to wrap your head around this potential reality if people don't talk about the JOY, playfulness, and peace that can alchemize FROM the pain?
We have been conditioned to believe that it is wrong, bad, embarrassing, and shameful to be transparent and share your truth -- whether that truth is "good" or "bad"
We are told
"Be great, but not TOO great, because if it seems too good, you must have cheated or you're lying"
"Be vulnerable, but not TOO vulnerable, because nobody wants to hear about your baggage"
You're damned (shamed, rejected, questioned) if you're joyful, and you're damned (shamed, rejected, questioned) if you're not.
As Brene Brown aptly puts it — shame loves hiding, lying, and secrecy.
And I am no longer hiding behind a mask that doesn’t convey what I really am or what my life is fully like.
Both the ugly and the beautiful are simply the truth. I'd argue both are beautiful, but that's another essay for another day.
You and I have been conditioned to believe if your "ugly" or "beautiful" appears too far outside the first and second standard deviation ... then it's a red flag.
You may have learned to remain in the "norms" -- in the middle of that bell curve where you blend in and don't stand out.
You, like me, were likely conditioned to follow the trends, dress like everyone else, make your home look like everyone else’s, make sure you have your Stanley tumbler in 4 colors, follow the “rules”, don’t make waves, don’t make a scene…
And God forbid – definitely don’t talk about your [very human, very natural, very real, very healthy] emotions! What will “they” think? What will the Queen say when she comes to visit? (may she rest in peace)
I think of another quote from Brene Brown (though I think it’s also similarly quoted by Elizabeth Gilbert)
“What’s worth doing even if you fail?”
I wouldn’t say for me it’s a failure that I received some questioning in response to sharing the painful and beautiful parts of my truth.
There is a deep, deep reassurance and knowing (dare I say, satisfaction?) that questioning means I’m on the right track.
Slowly but surely, my fullest, most radiant Self is making its way into the light.
And that is worth doing even amidst the questioning.
What’s incredibly heart warming is that for the questioning I received, I've received 20-fold support, me too's, and encouragement.
And while this is certainly an unconventional way to celebrate both my 40th and my business’s 8th lap around the sun – it has definitely been worth it.
It wouldn’t be “on brand” for me – the Truth Illuminator – to hold it in much longer.
A universally interwoven thread
This situation and story has me looking back and chuckling about how I have ALWAYS wanted to talk about the covert aggression and questioning that so many women experience from each other and of course, from everyone else in western society.
In fact (and perhaps fittingly, in a foreshadowing sense) I did my senior research thesis in college at Duke – as a psych major – on the concept of relational aggression in girls.
The synopsis of that paper is this –
Relational (passive, covert) aggression between girls in friendships, families, and other relationships is far more damaging, wounding, and far reaching in the lives of women than aggression in boys.
Boys are cultured and wired to fight it out physically. And while that may be more physically wounding in the short term – it’s the covert aggression more common in females that leads to longer lasting, more insidious dis-ease and socio-emotional disorganization.
Like me, for so many women – the body keeps the score whether it’s a visible or invisible wound.
As Taylor Swift says in the Folklore film on Disney+ – women are expected to absorb bad behavior of others. And then we are to blame when we're mad about it.
No one likes a mad woman
So instead of honoring our anger and speaking the truth, we tolerate bad behavior from those around us
Spouses
Friends
Colleagues
Bosses
Mentors
Neighbors
Religious Leaders
Your profession
Family members
Random trolls on the internet
So it’s VERY important, in fact – your life literally depends on it – to talk about the crap you’ve absorbed into your body and soul and tolerated on a socio-emotional level for years.
But let's be clear -- it's not all "their" fault. Blame gets you nowhere, but accountability is a two way street that will bring freedom.
It’s important to recognize – with the utmost love and grace and gentleness for yourself – the ways you have reinforced that crap. The ways you've shapeshifted to accommodate other people’s discomfort.
This shapeshifting then shows up in your body. It's that "hormone problem" that challenges your fertility in your 20's and 30's, keeps you awake at night in your 40's, or turns into heart disease in your 50's and beyond.
The shapeshifting is a thread that might weave its way into your business -- leaving you anxious and panicky when it's time to post something online, ask someone for money, hire or fire a team member, or set a boundary with a client.
The shapeshifting may weave its way into your community interactions. You find yourself walking the dog and praying the person on the sidewalk doesn't make eye contact. You don't know why you do this -- but here you are, crossing the street so you won't have to say hi to a stranger.
The shapeshifting shows up in your household -- you carry the heavy mental burden of meal prep, kid wrangling/transporting, cleaning/tidying, coordinating camps, and/or vacation planning, all the while slowly growing in resentment and disconnection from your partner who just doesn't seem to "get" it like you do.
The covert and overt aggression we both give AND receive as women lives on in our bodies, our hearts, and our souls AND in others when we silence ourselves and just sit back and take it in the spirit of “being nice.”
It’s anything but nice if you stop and think about it.
"Being nice" and "staying within the norms" and "not making waves" disconnects you from who and what you truly are and of course, disconnects you from the people around you.
With that college paper, perhaps my 22 year old soul was pointing me in the direction of my Soul’s purpose.
Perhaps this story I’ve shared here in this blog series was the final blow – where the lesson finally stuck.
So many people have read what I've shared and told me they see and feel parallels between my story and other relationships in their lives – parents, in-laws, colleagues, mentors, romantic partners, bosses, coworkers.
These same people have shared they did everything "right" -- worked on their mindset, shifted their behavior, tried to take responsibility for their side of the street, set boundaries.
But the truth is, they knew they were still shapeshifting in some way, and they can FEEL it even if it's hard to see.
If that's you, I pray that you know I see you, I feel you, I’m with you.
And it’s NOT all your fault.
It's not your responsibility to shoulder ALL of the weight of your marriage, your work relationships, your clients' wellbeing and success, your kids' development, your finances, and ohbytheway your own health and happiness.
And friend? If it feels ok to speak up, then it’s ok to do it.
You need to hear me out and they said “Speak now”
I pray that for you, like me, you begin to see that there is a world where you don't have to just sit and take people's bad behavior in the spirit of "being nice."
I hope that you see that there is a world available to you where you can reclaim and express all of your playful and joyful parts -- even if -- and especially if -- people question you.
For me, the shapeshifting is over. And I pray for you, that you're open to that reality too.
I’m sorry, the old Julie can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, ‘cause she’s dead!
But I also understand that Rome isn't built in a day, and you may feel stuck in that place where I was - where you know that what's hiding behind the mask you carry is slowly eating away at you ... but you're not quite ready to move forward.
I can’t pretend it’s ok when it’s not. It’s death by a thousand cuts
I get that it you intuit that in order to face things head on and let go, it's going to take a lot of heart and commitment and change on your part. And people's feelings might get hurt.
It must be exhausting always rooting for the antihero
But just like when I reached that point of no return and chose to slay the Demogorgon dragon – I learned that what I feared would unearth me and thrust me into the Upside Down actually turned me right side up. The earth kept spinning.
Yes, you can step FULLY into yourself and your calling –
Even if other people in your life might not like it when you evolve or change things
Even if it means you’ll lose connection with friends or loved ones
Even if it will affect your work or your business
Even if it will lose you money or clients or prosperity
Even if it will affect your reputation
You deserve to feel the freedom and playfulness that comes with being loved and accepted for ALL of your truth -- the beautiful shining parts and the dark shadows.
Do you feel you fully deserve that? Being liked and loved just for YOU, with no conditions?
Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time
Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?
I'm getting tired even for a phoenix
Always risin' from the ashes
Mendin' all her gashes
You might just have dealt the final blow
So if a piece of you feels ready to do something – even if you’re not sure what it is
I want you to know that it would be a great honor to support you through that, whether you're experiencing —
A job or career path that you once fell in love with, but is no longer aligned ... and you're ready to finally step into work that completely lights you up from inside and out.
Body or health issues that you can't seem to shake despite the A+ perfect supplement, breathwork, exercise, meditation, sleep hygiene, high protein clean diet you're on ... you appreciate all the work you've done to feel your best in your body, but you still KNOW there's a deeper thread connecting everything that can't be fixed with herbs or tinctures ...
A business you've outgrown or are ready to pivot into a new joyful layer ... but you just don't know where to start ... and you would feel relieved and excited having someone walk that journey with you into work that creates synergy and ease between you and your clients
Certain clients or offerings that are no longer aligned with the person you've evolved into ... and you're ready to move forward without them in a way that feels kind, energizing, and loving to all parties involved
A family situation that has your stomach in a knot every time you think about it ... like holiday gatherings or birthdays or random Tuesday dinners ... and you're ready to put your foot down in a way that inspires connection and growth with the people you love most versus drama, passive aggressiveness, and hurt.
Palpable tension and fading emotional connection in your romantic relationship or marriage as life stays busy, you both carry a huge mental load, and date nights start to feel like a time you discuss the transactions of life like work, kids, and to-do lists... and you're ready to reignite the flame that once had you both giggling and unable to keep your hands off each other and has you sitting by a river dreaming and scheming about the interconnectedness of the Universe
A physician or medical team you want to fire because you know in you're heart that they're getting it wrong, or they keep gaslighting you , or they're OVER-treating you... and you want to step into full sovereignty and leadership of your body and medical journey that has you feeling seen, held, cared for ... and free from endless appointments, labs, tests, and a constant search for someone who actually "gets" you and listens to you
An identity, religion, or dogmatic practice you know no longer represents what you stand for ... instead you want to hold on to your connection with the Universe without all the rules and restrictions that completely limit and shrink you
… or something else....or a combination of any of the above
You probably also have an inkling that on the other side of this — there is light.
You gotta step into the Daylight … and let it go
From the ashes to a brand new fire
So if a part of your heart knows — like mine did — that enough is enough and it’s time to let go, reclaim ALL of you, and illuminate the parts of your Soul that you KNOW have been hiding in the shadows
If a part of you knows that you are going to have to walk through the fire to get to the freedom and joy on the other side –
And you know that it would be FAR more joyful to do it with a co-conspirator in crime ...
Then I’m here for you. I’ve got you. I’d be delighted and honored to walk with you and guide you.
I’ve created a brand new, beautiful soul coaching container for you to let go, to heal, to reincarnate, and to to re-bloom. 🌷
It’s the Soul Illumination Sisterhood– aka SISter
It’s an immersive one on one personal coaching experience for courage-led, gritty, soul-guided women ready to fully own and embrace the beautiful light within you.
This is for you – even when -- and ESPECIALLY when-- you have an inkling that stepping FULLY into your most courageous, illuminated Self is going to break you wide open and uncover parts of you that have been hidden and are ready to SHINE bright.
I've been called from a deep, beautiful place to open this container for quite some time now.
But I have had to come out of hiding with it.
You may know that for years I’ve been doing everything from physical therapy to health coaching, career coaching to marketing and business coaching.
And truly, in the 3D world, I've helped people with so many beautiful life manifestations within those surface-level things.
But underneath what I've been doing on the surface, I've also been holding this deeper, integrative soul space for people for more than 15 years.
I've known it. My clients have known it. It's something "weird" and "different" and "outside the norms" about my work.
And hundreds -- if not thousands -- of clients have told me that this "weird" and "different" approachis responsible for a total pivot point in their lives.
These clients came in to work on sports injuries and back pain, fertility problems, relationship issues, marketing messaging, or growing a business. But they always walked away with way more than they came for.
For 15 years, I've known what I was REALLY doing with people. But I haven't called it what it is.
Why?
Well, for one, it's really difficult to put into words (yes, even for me, the messaging ninja) that which is truly sacred, intangible, and rooted in deep love.
But there's a second reason --
I have been taught time and time again from mentor after mentor, coach after coach that "people don't pay for personal coaching" and that "people will only invest if you call it 'health coaching' or 'business coaching' or 'physical therapy' ... and then once they're in the door, you can show them what you're really about.
That never sat well with me. It felt like a bait and switch. Like pretending. Or blending in. To keep everyone comfortable.
But you and I both know this work is inherently uncomfortable. You and I both know it's also not for everyone. So why pretend? Who does that serve?
And don't even get me started on what the western medical world -- one that compartmentalizes YOU -- a completely beautifully WHOLE interwoven human -- into distinctly separate, noncommunicative parts.
That same western medical world says you shouldn't mix "mind" work with "body" work, "heart" work with "business" work. It says that your body problems are solved with a pill, that your environment and relationships don't affect how you feel, that as a woman your symptoms aren't valid -- and god forbid, if you bring spirituality and the 'invisible" of energetics into this, then you're a traitor to science.
<That's another soapbox for another day>
In SISter, we'll see you as one WHOLE human. We'll take into account how ALL PARTS of you are sacred, valid, important...and yes of course -- related to each other.
This is a superpower of mine I'm ready to fully own and share with the world.
I'm talking about doing more than simply changing your thoughts, doing affirmations, or meditating. Those 3 things are great, but if they were truly the best answer, you would have it all figured out by now
In this Soul Illumination world, I have seen miracles in my clients such as ...
Going from being in a toxic marriage, crying every day before work and going on antidepressants to manage anxiety and depression JUST to help you get through the work day ... to instead weaning off all medication, developing meditative healing retreats for women that fill with ONE email, and leaving her marriage instead to find a true romantic soul partner who anticipates her and her children's needs without her asking
Going from having $150K in student loan debt that she thought she'd never pay off, constantly arguing about money with her spouse, having "chronic and incurable" gastroparesis and dysautonomia managed with umpteen supplements and restrictive diets, not being able to exercise or do Pilates ... to instead being able to eat whatever she wants (including gluten, dairy, and wine), growing a thriving $300K/year business, only working with clients 3 days a week, doing Pilates and CrossFit 4 days a week, and paying off her loans by age 40 while her husband shifted to his true passion -- part time local nonprofit work
Going from the revolving door of jumping from coach to coach -- and paying nearly $250K in 4 years for frameworks, copywriting scripts, and sales strategies that WORKED and made her $400K a year, but always gave her a creepy crawly feeling that she was always falling behind or she'd leave money on the table or miss an opportunity ... to instead scaling DOWN her business to a manageable level that brought her $250K a year, have clients coming to her without her so much as touching social media, and actually have date night 2x/week instead of once every blue moon
Going from snapping at her kids every time they would be late for school or forget to do their chores, constantly saying YES when she really meant NO to a boss that had way too high expectations of her ... to instead spending evenings playing games with her teenagers who told her they loved how peaceful she had become, pivoting into an entirely different profession (despite how many degrees and certifications she had) and getting rid of all perimenopausal symptoms AND chronic pain at age 45
You know it, I know it.
You’re not simply a business owner, or a woman with hormone or complex health issues, someone with a sports injury, someone who needs to shift from a healthcare job into your own business, or someone who needs to work on their marketing message, or a mom who is just doing her best, or a wife trying to hold her marriage together, or a sister, or a friend.
You’re all of those things. A whole human.
This is likely not news to you.
Out of a deep respect for YOU and the inherent wisdom you have -- I'm no longer calling the work we do anything but what it is.
I'm not compartmentalizing these sacred parts of you to be handled separately by a whole gaggle of "experts" who don't SEE YOU and GET the fact that you have beautiful gifts, that you are complex and different - and those complexities and gifts are what make you beautiful.
<Although I'm also all about teamwork and collaborating as needed!>
I'm here to help you make the seemingly complex, vulnerable, space of your inner and outer world SIMPLE, TANGIBLE, and LIGHT for you to process, heal, and transform into your biggest superpowers.
Over the years, so many clients have told me they've gone deeper and further in one session with me than in years of therapy.
<No shade on therapy btw. Therapy is a critical component of so many people's lives, maybe even yours>
So now, I'm going to take down the mask, call a spade a spade, and simply OWN what’s happening here.
In SISter you will lead in full sovereignty while we walk together and tend to all the parts you desire to tend to – in a way that is spacious, non-rushed, playful, and highly engaging.
And of course I'll be waving my hands wildly and clapping for you like a crazed fan for the big, small, and everything-in-between moments when it doesn't seem like others really "get" you.
Furthermore, you do not have to be a physical therapist, a health pro, a coach, or a business owner to work with me in SISter.
You simply need to be a human who is willing to expand into deep desire and joy -- in a way that creates a ripple effect into everyone and everything you touch.
Bottom line, this is a deep soul illumination.
If want to be supported on with THAT vibe in the forefront, then this is the place for you.
Currently (Spring 2024) I have space for TWO beautiful souls to step into this SISter space.
I have known for some time that these beautiful souls are already out there (is it you…?).
I’m a can't-sleep-at-night kid on Christmas-Eve ... delighted to finally find out who it is.
And yes, this is open to you if we’ve worked together before, if we are working together currently, or if you've never worked with me.
If a piece of you feels deeply that YOU are one of the Souls the Universe picked for this experience, then I invite you to reach out and let me know you’re being called to it.
I’m holding the door open for you, and I can’t wait to SISter up and go on this adventure with you.
I also welcome any referrals you have for people you may know who could benefit from this partnership and SISterhood.
Lastly -- I can literally FEEL you wondering -- "But what about your other programs?"
Never fear!
The Wealthy Coach Collective and Catalyst Club are not going anywhere! These will remain the beautiful containers they are. And fun news--I have spots opening up in these programs soon! So if you're a clinician or coach wanting to be mentored on your business and marketing, let me know if you want me to hold a spot for you.
SISter will give you access to all that's contained within these programs too, but it will be the MOST immersive, personal, and private way to work with me.
Ok <deep breath> I think that's most of the necessary details for now. Stay tuned, as there is more to come.
Even if you don't feel called to SISter — I thank you for spending your precious and sacred time with me as I’ve shared this story and revealed this very fun and new part of my work.
And if you just want an inkling of hope no matter what part of your personal, professional, spiritual, emotional, or relationship journey you’re on —
I want you to know exactly what I would say to the version of myself who was preparing to slay the dragon a year ago —
“I see you. Your intuition is right, even if it hurts to believe.
You can handle this.
You’ll be more than ok on the other side of this.
There will be grief. Loads of it.
And alongside that grief will be anger you never knew was in you.
Feeling that anger in a kind, loving way will be the key to you liberation.
And I assure you what’s on the other side is going to be better than you could have ever possibly experienced here.
But the only way to know is to trust me.
You can let go. Bit by bit.
We will do this in small bites. Together. Into the fire. And through to the other side. I’ve got you.
The Universe is going to provide the exact right people and gifts at the exact right time.
It will take your breath away every time. Every time you'll be brought to tears in gratitude to yourself for making the brave leap.
BETTER is available.
It will feel different.
Your body will be relaxed.
You will feel safe.
You will never have to write-rewrite a text in the fear that if you don’t say things “just right” that you’ll lose someone you love.
But also, those people may take a significantly smaller role in your life. Or they may exit completely. Yes, even if they've been in your life for a LONG time and you can't picture what life will be like without them.
You'll be ok. Because their exit will make room for even more kindly attuned people.
You'll later wonder why you waited so long. You'll giggle with glee once you see what you were missing.
These beautiful people and the experiences that come along with them are ready for you.
In fact, they’re already available and waiting on you to show up.
What you THINK is the best you’ve ever had is far from it. It’s a mask, a facade, and it’s not real.
But in order to see it, you have to let go bit by bit and move forward.
You have to create distance from it.
You get to trust.
Now let’s go do this. Let’s go home.”
I feel certain that the voice I heard 1 year ago — the one who told me enough was enough, and it was time to raise my sword and fight the dragons, even if I had no idea where I was going.
Was my voice TODAY.
She was the intuitive voice I trusted even when I had no idea what would come. She was the one ready with the loving glue to help heal the heartbreak.
Broke your heart out, put it back together. And that’s how it works
And both of us knew that even though it would hurt to move forward, that beauty and sunshine were on the other side.
Remember when we couldn’t take the heat? I walked out and said I’m setting you free. The monsters turned out to be just trees. When the sun came up, you were looking at me.
I have accepted and forgiven the parts that got me into the mess. I hold them with love and grace.
I will continue to shake shake shake shake shake … shake it off shake it off 😉
Most notably, I won’t forget how it felt to lose myself.
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well
It felt like moving mountains to get here to this place to find my voice to share this truth, but I know now there is no turning back.
It was all totally worth it. Dare I say — it was all a gift. It helped me gestate and birth this beautiful new Soul Illumination Sisterhood.
The gift that keeps on giving.
I pray you find the same freedom in stepping into your own truth, and are able to step into the light and find a happiness, squealy joy, and gifts you never knew possible.
On that note, I’d say one more thing to my former Self — and the tiny group of beautiful people who walked in the darkness with me —
🏔️ Long love all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you. 🐉
PS If you’re looking for a friend or a coach to guide you through anything that feels remotely like this, I am here — anytime you’re ready.
PPS If you’re a Swiftie–and even if you’re not – and you caught all the easter eggs I dropped, here’s the reveal of all the songs that inspired them. Turns out there are 52 songs … or 13 x 4 parts of this story. IYKYK. I didn't even mean to do that. You can use this playlist to create your own or add the Spotify playlist I linked at the top of this post.
Long Live
Dear Reader
State of Grace
Fearless
Cruel Summer
The Archer
Exile
Daylight
Sparks Fly
Wildest Dreams
All Too Well
Antihero
Cardigan
You’re Not Sorry
Foolish One
Enchanted
Dear John
Bad Blood
Shake It Off
Treacherous
Karma
Blank Space
Tolerate It
Look What You Made Me Do
I Knew You Were Trouble
Babe
Now That We Don’t Talk
You’re On Your Own Kid
Happiness
Long Story Short
Suburban Legends
Safe & Sound
Evermore
Ivy
Mad Woman
Vigilante Shit
False God
You’re Losing Me
Untouchable
This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
Soon You’ll Get Better
Clean
I Forgot That You Existed
It’s Nice to Have a Friend
Better Than Revenge
The Man
Marjorie
Me!
Speak Now
Death by A Thousand Cuts
Out of the Woods
How You Get the Girl
