Dear Reader:
Welcome to my private-ish celebration of my business's 8th year.
I'll be sharing reflections in several posts over the next several weeks.
This one serves as the preamble.
From the bottom of my heart--thank you for being here to celebrate with me.
PS I'm not only the host but also the DJ of this party. So hit the play button on the spotify player above for some delicious music vibes!
And if you're a Swiftie -- I have a game for you! There are Easter eggs (TS lyrics) embedded in this entire blog series. Your challenge -- should you choose to accept it - is to play NAME THAT TUNE with me. At the end of the series I'll publish the playlist -- but if you beat me to it and send me the list first -- then I'll send you a fun prize!
PREAMBLE
Confession: I might have only recently become a full time, all in, card carrying Swiftie
Before that, I was your garden variety Taylor Swift Fan.
I knew the big songs we’ve all heard.
But I couldn't tell you much else about the world of Taylor Swift.
And while the series of posts that will follow this one in celebration of my 8th year in business isn’t supposed to be an Ode to Taylor, it turns out that her music and lyrics have quickly woven their way into the fabric of my life
And just like millions of others -- it has been incredibly freeing, validating, affirming and healing.
The first line of this post, from the song posted in this blog above -- more or less defines how 2023 went for me. It's an incredible and timeless song.
🐉 The truth is, in 2023 there were LOTS of dragons in my life.
There were too-many-times-to-count when I had my own back in the deepest and most profound ways through unspoken, hidden-behind-the-scenes dragon fights
And I can't think of a better way to celebrate my 8th year in business than to do it with writing -- one of my favorite forms of art and expression
And in doing that, there is a really really important, vulnerable, and hidden story for me to share.
It’s a story I have not shared with ANYONE but a tiny … and I mean TINY (3, maybe 4) … handful of humans who showed up, stepped up, and helped me through what felt like one of the heaviest times of my life
So unless you are one of those people (you know who you are), it’s likely a story that you know nothing about.
Suffice it to say – year 8 is when I learned that people you could never imagine have the power to break your heart in the most insidious and painful ways
I never saw it coming
Wouldn’t have suspected it
I underestimated just who I was dealing with
It’s the year I realized I’d mistakenly adopted a toxic belief of what “love” and “divinity” were … and while what I THOUGHT these things were FELT really good at first -- I awakened to learn that I thought they were was as far from the real versions of them as they could possibly be
It’s the year I was reminded how the body keeps the score – and is the oldest and wisest source of wisdom and direction. And what looks amazing on the surface - but is actually toxic underneath - will never fully sneak past the body's and soul's radar.
It’s the year I realized I’d lost grip on the truth and crawled my way back to it, bit by bit
And all of those things felt like fighting dragons, through and through
And even though that work is and will always be unfinished –
I slowly but surely fought my way ALL the way back to true love and my divine essence —
It was the end of a decade
But the start of an age
But here’s the part that felt the MOST painful to me in the process —
It’s the year I realized how silenced and inauthentic I had been to myself and to you, particularly in my writing
Ironically, as someone who is known to so eloquently have a way with words
…who also usually unapologetically shares what’s on her heart –
…I didn’t share about this. AT ALL.
My hands shake, I’m not usually this way
You pull me in and I’m a little more brave
I hid it. Skillfully. Often behind a smile or a social media post that made it look like everything was hunky dory.
<Something tells me you might do that too, yeah? If so, you're not alone. It's me, hi! 😏>
You saw me riding bikes or playing with dogs. Or talking about clients or business.
And those things not only appeared hunky dory. But they actually were!
Said I’m fine but it wasn’t true
I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you
But the truth is -- alongside all that joy, I was doing a proverbial split across a giant chasm -- with joy at one end, and deep pain at another.
And I want you to know how much it really, really bothered me to not be fully transparent about those acrobatics.
But I also knew, from a place of DEEP self honor, that I was not yet in a place where it honored me OR the situation to share about it.
We can only move as fast as our slowest parts.
I needed to give it all space and time to heal and process.
And the theater of social media, blogs, and even emails was not the place to honor that sacred process.
Well, until now, that is.
So here you may be wondering – What on earth would get ME – the messaging and copywriting ninja – SO tongue tied?
Well, to be perfectly frank about it – what got me tongue tied was gaslighting, shame, and humiliation, that’s what.
I’d been through something that felt so seemingly damning internally and externally that I couldn’t find the courage to even begin to look for the words.
I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you
I felt alone.
I felt silenced.
I TRULY believed for the longest time that even if I did find the courage, peace, and words for sharing -- that nobody would believe me.
I mean, for years I didn’t even believe myself.
😵💫 And as it goes with gaslighting, I was so entrenched in a version of reality that my brain could not see just how skewed this one part of its worldview was
In fact it took years of working with several professionals for me to see it – and even for THEM to see it.
Most importantly though — I didn't share because I felt ashamed for falling into the trap of the self betrayal — especially when I help other people (maybe even you!) FREE yourself from that dragon
I think I’ve seen this film before
And I didn’t like the ending
Thanks to a generous helping of therapeutic coaching and support, and LOTS of eye opening and divine kisses from the Universe, I saw CLEARLY what was happening – while also softening and forgiving myself
And now – here on the other side – I write this and re-read what I’ve written and see just how irrefutably abusive of a situation I was in.
Been sleeping so long in a 20 year dark night
(Now I’m wide awake)
Now I see Daylight, I only see daylight
Now, I see the light, and I can’t NOT believe it to be true.
And for that, I hold myself in deep love and care for the innocence, conditioning and naivete that got me into the situation in the first place.
I hold myself in deep compassion for feeling silenced and for not saying anything.
But I also deeply know now is the time to speak up.
I don’t think you should wait
I think you should speak now
And to be perfectly clear, I’m not here to convince you of anything. Whether you believe me or not is not the point.
The point of sharing it is to fully exercise my power to use my voice, share my truth, and reclaim this part of loving myself.
And I’ll never be the same
This is a state of grace
This is a worthwhile fight
Love is a ruthless game
Unless you play it good and right
These are the hands of fate
I appreciate – from the bottom of my heart – you being here to witness and hold space for that truth.
So I do hope you’ll stay tuned, because even though my 40th year of life and 8th year in business was extremely trying…I can gratefully say now that this is getting good now.
PS If you've made it this far and you're curious - I want to be very clear that that abusive situation does NOT involve my husband! He is actually one of those incredible 3-4 people who stood by and helped me back to the truth as I fought the dragons. :)
PPS If you've somehow made it to this page without coming from my email list -- I'd recommend you hop onto it by clicking here -- because I will only be notifying the world of the next part of the story on my email list.
PPPS Swifties, did you add any song titles to your list? Stay tuned, there's more where those come from.
