One of the most potent perspective shifts I’ve helped illuminate for my clients over the last several years is how they relate to themselves and others when they’re shifting identities between a chapter they’re closing and a new one they’re stepping into
Some examples of how this has recently shown up for the women I work with include:
💞Entrepreneurs shifting from the identity as “healthcare provider” to “coach” — feeling the promise of what’s next — but also the tongue-tied jumble as you try so hard to tell people what it is you do and who you help … and getting so frustrated every time it seems like you can better explain healthcare than coaching
💞New moms navigating shift that comes with feeling like you’re losing the life you worked so hard to build, all while trying to feel like you belong in a world where your life now revolves around a tiny human … and feeling like you’re failing both the new and old versions of yourself
💞Women approaching midlife who are realizing the gender and/or sexual identities they thought were correct are actually images they were socialized to wear … but now no longer fit them … and they aren’t quite sure how to label or categorize themselves and what that means for their marriages, partnerships, children, and roles and places in society
💞Moms of teens navigating the shift of feeling like everything is changing and out of your control as you send your first or final-born off to college, yet knowing at the same time this is exactly what your baby needs to become the strongest and most powerful version of themselves
There are some common threads I see in every single person I encounter (myself included) —
1️⃣ You’re eager to move forward and turn the page:
You can see where it is you want to go. You can feel it. You’re well on the way there. But you don’t feel grounded and steady on your legs yet. You don’t belong.
AND
2️⃣ You’re not quite ready to let go:
You can also see where you once were. You don’t belong there anymore. It’s like an old itchy sweater that no longer fits. Yet, you’re not quite ready to say goodbye to that chapter.
The grief, anxiety, doubt, and identity reclamation that come along withe these shifts are a big deal for anyone—
Especially Luminaire and Neurospicy Women who feel and think deeply, profoundly, intelligently, and are cut from a different cloth than many of the women around them
And it can feel incredibly lonely … alienating … like you’re lost … like you’re doing something wrong because your typical ways of getting from Point A to Point B aren’t quite working they way they normally do.
And pretty much every client who works with me says the same things:
🗣️Why can’t I just let go and move forward already?
🗣️ I’m so frustrated because this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would
🗣️This feels so much more emotional that I expected. What's wrong with me?
They’ve tried a lot of things to ease the tension, frustration, and doubt that comes with being in this messy middle
🫶Therapy, Mindset shifts, Affirmations — doing whatever they can to shift their beliefs to see themselves as the new version of themselves instead of the old version
🫶Hiring coaches or mentors to give them the strategy or roadmap to grow and succeed quickly
🫶 Nervous system regulation, meditation, yoga — and even though this quiets the feelings and the noise, they still don’t feel comfortable in their own skin
🫶 Setting boundaries and/or avoiding the people and places and habits that tend to pull them back into their old habits and beliefs
And time and time again, my clients find that all of these are really helpful and supportive things.
AND ALSO
👉🏻They know and sense very deeply that something is still missing.
And usually, it’s not until we begin to work together that they uncover what it is.
They’re trying to grow up too fast and not honoring the “teenager” phase of their growth process.
Because the clients I work with are largely adults — they see themselves as leaving one “adult” chapter of their lives and entering another “adult” chapter.
Yet, adulthood — both literally and metaphorically — is only fully achieved when we develop mastery
And the only way to develop mastery is to fully sink into the process of birthing, developing, testing out identities and boundaries, taking risks, failing and getting back up, achieving, setting the bar a little higher, failing again, getting back up, etc etc
Sounds very teen-like...no?
Take the example of a 19 year old college student
She’s technically — by definition — an adult.
She’s outgrown toys and dolls and being treated like a child. She no longer needs anyone to babysit her.
Yet she still finds herself making poor decisions she regrets. She still has a goofy and silly streak that comes out when she’s around her friends.
She also LOOKS the part of — and often plays the part of — an adult. She’s intelligent, skilled, and focused on building her next (adult) chapter.
Yet — she doesn’t FULLY belong in either place — child or adult — does she?
Think back to the tension you may have felt when you were an older teen / young adult.
Maybe this was a really challenging time for you. Maybe it wasn’t safe for you to take risks, to fail, for you to fall down and get back up. Maybe you had to grow up too fast.
Yet, life was full of both the joy of gaining freedom and independence from your “child” life — along with the anxiety and angst of finding your place in the “adult” world”
Now … does that sound familiar?
Is it not true that for all of these shifts here in what is technically “adult” life, you’re shifting from a more childlike / less evolved era — into one that requires more experience, more mastery and skill building, and more certainty and confidence?
You’re in the messy “teen” middle not because things are going too slowly, or because you’re doing something wrong
You’re here because you’re supposed to be.
You’re supposed to be developing mastery, and skills, and the perseverance to fall down and get back up, and the grace to sit with yourself in the tension and awkwardness and anxiety and grief that comes with identity shift —
You’re supposed to be in your teenage era, even if you aren’t technically a teenager.
The only way to develop mastery and feel fully safe and trusting in your new identity is to go through this era.
The people who suffer and struggle the most are the ones who try to rush the process.
Our world has conditioned us to believe that you should make a clean break — shift from one chapter to the next.
People don’t talk enough about the messy middle — the grief, the awkwardness, the insecurity, the tension that comes in the “teenage” parts of adulthood.
You’re an adult now. You should be able to figure it out right?
But the truth is, as Brene Brown says — “You can’t skip Act 2”
No story is complete (or compelling) without the messy middle — the struggle, the questioning, the doubt, the worry, and the grief that comes with letting go AND stepping forward.
The alchemy of the teenage era is that by allowing your self to EMBRACE it — instead of rush through it or deny it — this is how you develop the muscle to stand firmly on your feet in your next era.
You don’t need to rush it just to grasp on to some semblance of being complete.
Yes — visualize and dream about what’s next. Yes, plant the seeds. Yes, take steps.
But you don’t need to chant affirmations or try to convince yourself that you should already be there — when where you actually belong is HERE.
The clients who come to me sense this. They also know that like a teenager — they could technically figure it all out by themselves.
But like a teenager - they develop mastery best when walking alongside a guide and mentor who honors and embraces the phase they’re in instead of teaching them strategies to make it go faster.
Teenagers need mentors and guides to help them shape and develop their new identity and chapter with agency, confidence, and unconditional support and celebration when they fuck up, shine bright, or do both of those things at the same time.
And as highly intuitive and communal beings — grown ass adult luminary women going through a “teenage” era need that too.
So if you’re in your own teenage era — whether it’s the messy middle of motherhood, your career, your identity … or some combo of all of the above
I invite you to be still.
Sink in.
Be here now.
Get support from someone who doesn’t try to rush you along.
It’s ok to feel sad and not quite ready to let go of an old identity.
It’s ok to feel annoyed by your old ways, old life — or the people who suck you back into your old world.
It’s ok to feel eager and anxious and SO READY to move to the next chapter.
It’s ok to feel like you don’t belong in the old OR the new.
You belong here. In your teenage era.
The very act of fully sinking into this part of your story — in all of its teenage messiness — creates the alchemy to help you rise and swim into your next chapter much more seamlessly and gracefully than you ever could have by muscling through it or rushing it along.
It also helps to talk about the less sexy, less insta-glamorous messy parts, if you have the courage to do so.
Because the more you do — the more you give others permission to stop rushing toward the ending and instead embrace the beautiful and brutal - brutiful — parts that are happening right now.
Commentaires